


And that's why I need you here

by shotgunwithwings



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern: No Powers, Angst, Bucky's POV, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-21
Updated: 2014-08-21
Packaged: 2018-02-14 03:16:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,889
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2176032
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shotgunwithwings/pseuds/shotgunwithwings
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steve joins the army and Bucky feels like he's sinking without Steve there.</p>
<p> <i>“I don’t need you to save me,” Steve had said, though for Bucky it had sounded like "I don’t need you anymore".</i></p>
            </blockquote>





	And that's why I need you here

**Author's Note:**

> Inspiration for this fic comes from two different sources. It's mostly inspired by the song "[Come Home](http://youtu.be/qxW0cPo7F_o)" by OneRepublic. I think the lyrics are beautiful, and I've wanted to write something based on them for a long time, and for me, the song's always been about Steve and Bucky.
> 
> The second inspiration came from [this amazing meta](http://shotgunwithwings.tumblr.com/post/94810304894/dammit-mcu-therealdeepsix) about Bucky. What can I say? This fandom does write the best - and most inspirational - meta.

”You’re going to do fine,” she tells him, her voice full of warm and affection.

“I know,” Bucky answers her quietly. “It’s just… it wasn’t supposed to be like this.”

Mrs. Rogers steps closer to him, wrapping her arms around him and squeezing hard. “He’s going to be alright,” she says and he squeezes her back, because she understands. “He’s going to come back,” she whispers, her voice breaking and he doesn’t let her go.

She’s right, he thinks. She has to be.

 

 

He doesn’t know what he expected his first day college to be like, but he certainly hadn’t expected it to weight on his shoulders like this, back when he applied. College had been their dream, together, even though for Bucky it had always meant a chance to party and hook up and have fun, and for Steve it had been a chance to grow up and study and learn. And still, in the end, the college had always been the same kind of dream for both of them, a chance to be free.

He never had though he would have to do it alone, though. He had never thought Steve coming to tell him he's joining the army. That he’s going away, that he’s leaving before the college started and that he didn’t know how long he will be gone.

“It’s 11 months at first,” he had told him. “But who knows, maybe I’ll be good at it, and they want me to be there longer.”

And of course they would want to keep him there forever, Bucky had thought, because Steve would no doubt be perfect.

It had been one of the worst fights they had ever had.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Bucky had yelled, feeling like punching something, punching Steve for doing something so stupid, so dangerous.

“I didn’t want to tell you before I knew for sure,” Steve had said, he’s voice bleeding for him to calm down, and he looked so sad that Bucky had had to close his eyes.

“Do you have a death wish? This is war, Steve, not some guys bullying a frog behind a school. What’s wrong with you?”

“I have to do my part, Buck.”

“Fuck you and your part! Can you even hear yourself?”

“I thought you of all people would understand this is something I have to do,” Steve had said, he’s voice hard now.

“You think I want you to go and die?” He had stepped closer to his friend then, and he’d been so angry, he remembers. The tears had been burning in his eyes, willing to be released and Bucky had told himself it was because of the rage he had felt.

“I’ll be fine.”

Bucky had laughed at him, though there was no humor there, just emptiness and cold. “You do understand that I can’t save you this time?” he had asked and Steve’s simple answer had felt like a gunshot at that night.

“I don’t need you to save me,” Steve had said, though for Bucky it had sounded like _I don’t need you anymore_.

 

 

He’s first day in college is a blur, and he feels like he’s run around for a year, has told his name for a million times and has given at least thousand forced smiles. He knows he’s going to hate it in here now, but he can’t because that would be giving up, that would be letting Steve win. He doesn’t need him either, he can do fine on his own, too.

And he has to learn to be alone, because there’s a possibility Steve’s never coming home, but even more than that it's because he knows Steve' never coming back for him.

And he’s feeling so tired, so lost, so exhausted and there’s too much people around, but no one is the one he’s missing, and he can’t take it anymore. Excusing himself Bucky makes his way into his dorm room, wanting nothing more than just to sleep a dreamless sleep, because these days even his dreams are betraying him. But there are voices in his room, too, and he should be happy to see the familiar faces, but his smile still feels forced when he greets them from the door way.

This is not how it was supposed to be like, he thinks, and shakes himself because these are his friends, too and he doesn’t want them to worry.

They don’t have to worry, because he doesn’t need Steve anymore either.

 

 

“You should stay,” Natasha says and her expression is one of a determination. “It’s your room anyway, you can’t always run away.”

“It’s our room, mine and Clint’s,” he corrects, though he knows that’s not Natasha’s point, but it’s just much simpler than talking about _that_.

“It’s been weeks,” she says, more gentle this time. “He asks about you a lot. Just stay this time, please.”

And it’s not like Natasha to beg, so he nods, though he’s not feeling ready, not yet. He still needs Steve to be here with him.

 

 

Steve’s wide smile is like the source of all the happiness and misery he could ever feel when the Skype finally connects. He takes a long look at his friend, standing in front of the camera, and Steve’s hair is blonder than before and his faced is tanned and he’s not wearing his blue jacket anymore, but he’s still so Steve and so alive, that Bucky feels like laughing and crying, he’s not sure which, but the relief floods over him like a wave. And then Steve notices him, the smile on his face disappearing and Bucky can see his own feel of relief mirroring in Steve’s face.

“Hey,” he says, because he needs to say something and he’s not sure where to begin.

“Hey,” Steve answers and then it’s silent again.

“You guys have obviously a lot to talk about,” Natasha says. “We’ll leave you to it.” And they get up, Natasha and Clint, and walk away, and Bucky feels so betrayed by them because Steve still keeps staring at him, coming closer to the camera and Bucky’s not even sure he noticed that their friends left.

“So,” he says, wanting to break the tension, “college is not so fun after all. Everyone here is so serious and studying.”

“Bucky --,” Steve starts, but he cuts him off because he can’t do this.

“At least there’s a party every Friday,” he keeps talking.

“Buck, I’m –“

“Though the booze is never free. I’ve always thought there was a free alcohol in college.”

“Would you –“

“I’m pretty sure you promised there would be free booze when we applied.” He looks at Steve then, and he’s not trying to talk again, and Bucky continues, “Though you did say a lot of things. I remember you saying a lot of things. But then you didn’t tell me anything important, I guess.”

And Bucky feels like dying, again, like a black whole is trying to swallow him, just like he had felt every time he thought of Steve, and now he was there, now Bucky could see him and talk to him and it made him feel even worst, because Steve wasn’t here, he wasn’t here with him, because he didn’t need Bucky anymore.

“I’m sorry, Buck,” Steve says low, and Bucky can feel he’s sorry, can hear it in every syllable and again he’s not sure if it’s making him feel better or worse.

“I know.”

 

 

They start talking regularly after that. Bucky tells him about his classes, the lame college parties and talks about their friends, and Steve tells him about his job and the new friends he’s making and he sounds so happy that it makes Bucky feel worse, because Steve shouldn’t be happy, because he was in the war for fuck’s sake, and because Bucky wasn’t.

“I’m proud of you,” Steve tells him once and Bucky feels the gulp in his throat. “I know you weren’t planning on going to college to study hard or thinking about getting your master’s, but you are now, and I want you to know that I’m proud of you.”

“Thanks,” he says quietly, and he wants to say he's doing it all because it’s the only way he feels like he has Steve in his life now, but he doesn’t.

“Just don’t change too much, okay?” Steve says in the end, giving him a small smile, and Bucky thinks it looks a little sad, but Steve’s gone before he can ask why Steve would be sad to see him change.

“You, too,” he says to the empty computer screen and Bucky knows his smile is sad, because Steve’s already changed.

 

 

“You should come out with us tonight. It’s been ages since the last time, and frankly I’m too tired of watching you mope around,” Clint tells him one Saturday.

And Bucky’s tired too, but he doesn’t say it, doesn’t say anything at all.

“Come on,” Clint continues, “our friends miss you. Nat told me to take you with me or she would come here herself and drag you to the bar. And you know she’s gonna do just that if you don’t come by yourself.”

And Bucky nods as a promise that he’ll be there, because it doesn’t really matter to him. He’s drowning anyway.

 

 

“When is the last time you got laid?” Natasha asks him bluntly.

“Why? You offering?” he says back, but he knows it’s lacking the smirk that used to be so him.

“It’s been months, hasn’t it?” Natasha continues, ignoring him totally. “You should get laid,” she continues after watching him quietly for a while.

“Don’t really feel like it,” he answers.

“Why? There’re lots of pretty ladies here tonight, and you don’t look bad yourself either. Just put on the famous smile of yours and you won’t be going home alone tonight."

“I won’t be going home alone, Nat. You and Clint are coming with me,” he says and Natasha lets the subject drop.

She pulls him further away from their friends, when they’re leaving the bar. “He’s not coming back home for months, James. It can be years. You can’t just sit and wait for the bad news. You’re going to notice one day that you weren’t living at all yourself.”

 

 

“I love the guys here, Buck,” Steve tells him and Bucky hates how happy he looks, “but Sam’s different. He’s not just a mate, he’s a friend.”

And he should be happy for Steve, happy that there’s someone there with him Steve can talk to, someone he can rely on, but he isn’t because he’s selfish, and can’t help but feeling Sam’s taking the last of Steve away from him. And because he doesn’t have anyone like that here, because he doesn’t have another Steve, and of course he doesn’t because there’s no one like Steve but Steve.

“You would like him,” Steve says and Bucky wants to tell him he already hates him.

 

 

That night he picks up a gorgeous girl and goes home with her because he doesn’t want to think and doesn’t want to feel like drowning, and she’s perfect, eager and willing and everything that Bucky could’ve wished for, and maybe she doesn’t feel right, but he doesn’t care because she helps him to forget with her warm mouth and clever hands, and for a moment it’s okay and then he’s coming hard inside her, Steve’s name in his lips.

He doesn’t stay long enough to see her expression, running into night, and he’s never felt more like he’s never going to make it to the surface again. He’s in too deep and it’s dark and he’s going to drown because there’s no one to save him from this.

 

 

“He’s coming home,” Steve says and Bucky can see he’s sad even though he tries to look happy for his friend. “There was an ambush, and Sam’s okay, but they want to send him home anyway. Medical reasons, they say, and I know he’s happy to go back to US.”

He doesn’t say back home, Bucky realizes, because Steve’s already home, and it feels so unfair that Steve’s made a home without him and Bucky is still here, in New York and he’s never felt like he’s further away from home in his life.

“You should go and see him,” Steve continues and gives him Sam’s phone number and Bucky doesn’t know how to say no.

 

 

He meets Sam for a coffee after he feels like he can’t postpone it anymore. He doesn’t know why he’s there at all, he doesn’t owe anything to Steve and especially doesn’t owe anything to Sam, but he knows Steve is worried about his friend and still after all these months Steve has a hold on Bucky, one that he’s trying hard to shake off. Sam’s all easy smiles and politeness when they meet, and he’s already ordered for him.

“Steve told me how you liked your coffee,” Sam says playfully when he sees Bucky to stare at the cup in front of him. “Apparently you say you like it as black as –“

“As my soul,” Bucky finishes for him and slowly lifts his gaze from the cup to the man sitting opposite from him.

Sam smiles at him. “He also told me that secretly you mix it with a sickening amount of cream when you think no one can see you,” he says and pushes the creamer closer to him.

And then Sam talks. He tells him story after story about Afghanistan, and Bucky’s already heard most of them from Steve, but he can’t stop listening because Sam’s stories are full of Steve, and he knows he’s weak but he can’t stop taking what’s offered to him. And more he hears, the more lost and lonely he feels, but he doesn’t tell Sam to stop or to change the subject, because he’s already drowning and this might be the last of Steve he’s ever going the get.

“He talks about you a lot,” Sam says, his tone more serious than before, and then Bucky tells him to stop, because it’s too cruel and he walks out from the coffee shop.

 

 

It’s late and he knows he should go back to the living room, he knows everyone will wonder where he went, but he can’t make himself to move. The room looks just the same it did all those months ago when Steve had told him he was going to leave, that he didn’t need Bucky anymore. It still smells like Steve, too, and Bucky knows it’s not possible, it’s been too long, but he can’t stop taking in the deep breathes of air, and it’s like he would be breathing in Steve again. And he’s heart aches, because he never would’ve known it was possible to long for something like this, something he never really truly had, expect that he knows he did. He had Steve, but he doesn’t anymore, and for a moment he feels like sinking, and so he does, sinks down on his knees and lets go all the pain he’s feeling.

It doesn’t take long for a steady hands to wrap around him, holding him tightly, just like they hold him all those month ago, and Bucky knows he’s not the only one hurting, and it really doesn’t make it better, but it feels more safe when her arms are around him, so he doesn’t move, just lets himself be hold and he can feel warm tears to blend in with his.

 

 

His grip is tight on the bottle of vodka he’s holding, and he knows he’s drunk, knows he’s going to regret this later, but right now he doesn’t care, right now it doesn’t matter.

“Why did you leave me?” he asks, and Steve stares at him, doesn’t say anything, and Bucky knows how he must look. He hasn’t slept for days, all his dreams hunted with images of Steve. The alcohol doesn’t help, not really, it doesn’t make him forget, it just makes him ache even more, and he doesn’t know what to do anymore, because Steve’s not here to tell him that, and maybe Steve doesn’t need him anymore, but Bucky needs Steve, he’ll always need Steve, no matter how hard he tries not to.

“Why did you leave me?” he asks again, and there might be tears running down his cheeks, but he’s not sure because everything seems so blurry nowadays.

“I never left you,” Steve says quietly, barely more than a whisper, and Bucky lets out a hollow laughter.

“Yes, you did. You joined the army and you didn’t tell me and then you left me.” And Steve doesn’t answer him again, and Bucky can’t stand the way Steve looks so lost in his computer screen, the way he lifts his hand like to reach before realizing he can’t, so he continues, “That’s why you didn’t tell me, right? You didn’t want me there with you, so you didn’t tell before it was too late.”

And it hurts to say those words out loud after keeping them in for so long, because there would be no coming back from this. Steve would admit that Bucky’s right and there would be no coming back, and they may have been pretending everything was alright for all these month, but they’ve both known it hasn’t been alright, that they were coming to an end.

“No, Buck,” Steve voice breaks. “No, why would you even think that? I could never leave you.”

“But you did,” Bucky says sadly.

“No, that’s not…” Steve comes closer to the screen, like he wishes more than anything he could be here with Bucky, and oh how much he wishes Steve would be here with him. “I didn’t tell you because I knew you would try to enlist, too, and I knew they wouldn’t let you join the army. They wouldn’t approve your application because of your accident. It would’ve been too dangerous for you to join the army, so they wouldn’t have approved your application.” And Bucky looks at his arm, or where his arm used to be and doesn’t lift his eyes from there when Steve continues, “And I didn’t want you to go through all of that, because you’ve gone through enough, Buck.”

And it should make him feel better, he thinks, but it doesn’t because he still feel like drowning and he’s angry because Steve should make him feel better, he wasn’t supposed to leave him when he needed him the most.

“You’re selfish,” he whispers and he’s not sure if he said to Steve or himself, but Steve seems to know, because he answers, “I know. Because there’s another reason why I didn’t tell you before. Because I knew that when I’d tell you it would become real – leaving you would’ve become real and I wouldn’t been able to go. But this is something I need to do, Bucky.”

“I know,” he says. “And I hate you for it. I hate you for leaving me.” And he can see the hurt in Steve’s eyes, can see the wetness in his face, but he doesn’t care, because he’s hurting too much, and he hates it and he’s not able to do this anymore. “I hate you,” he says and doesn’t look at Steve the one last time before he ends the video call.

He feels like he’s finally ready to drown.

 

 

“I’m sorry,” he says and she smiles at her, and maybe it’s just a small smile, barely visible, but for Bucky it’s more than he feels he deserves and still he doesn’t want to let it go.

“It’s not your fault,” she says. “Don’t blame yourself, honey, not for this.”

And Bucky feels like laughing, because she’s so wrong.

“I told him to tell you earlier,” she continues. “The day he came home and told me he got enlisted. I told him to tell you, but he didn’t want to. He told me he didn’t want to worry you, but I knew he was only telling me part of the truth.”

“I told him I hate him,” Bucky says quietly and he has to close his eyes, because he can still see the hurt in Steve's face clearly in his mind, just like he was still in front of him. And Sarah doesn’t say anything, just watches quietly as he stands up. Bucky doesn’t deserve her compassion, or her love for him, not after everything. He stares at the framed picture of them, him and Steve, and it had been taken just before Steve had told him he's leaving, and they look so happy. Steve had already knew he was going to go away, he thinks and then it's just as hard to breathe again as it has been all this time Steve's been away.

Because how Steve could’ve known he was taken all the good in Bucky with him, taking all the parts that really mattered, leaving him with only the shameful pieces of himself. Because Steve had always been the one making Bucky good, making him better, making him worth something, making it feel so easy. And that’s why he’s always going to need Steve, because he can’t be the person he used to be, not without him.

And he had always known this, of course he had, and that’s why it hurts so much, because he has thought that he had been that for Steve, too. That he had been the reason Steve was Steve, that he had given him the reason to fight and be better, but in the end Steve didn’t need him like that, but he was still here needing Steve.

“I told him I hate him,” he says finally, “when I should have told him I love him.”

"Maybe you should tell that to him, dear," Sarah says softly. "Because I fear he's not going to come back otherwise. I fear he feels like he has nothing to fight for anymore."

 

 

 “Hey,” he says quietly, and it feels like the first time they talked like this all those months ago, and at the same time it doesn’t, because he’s changed and Steve’s changed since then and it can never be the same again.

“Hey,” Steve says, too, and the unsureness is so obvious in his voice it makes Bucky hurt because it’s his fault it’s there in the first place. “Buck, I’m sorry,” Steve continues, and he’s eyes are bleeding for Bucky to forgive him, but it’s not his place to forgive, not when it comes to them.

“Please come home,” Bucky says instead and he moves closer to the computer, because he needs Steve to understand it all, he needs Steve to understand everything he feels because he doesn’t know how to say it all, so he needs him to understand. “Please, Steve, come home to me.”

And he knows Steve does understand, he can see it in the light of his eyes, in the warmness in every line of his face, he can see it all in Steve, the happiness, the love, the need, he can see it all because he knows Steve better than he knows himself, and because he feels it, too.

“I will, I promise,” Steve says, and Bucky feels like he’s finally stopped drowning and he can breathe again.

**Author's Note:**

> Since this is my first Steve/Bucky fic, all comments are more than welcomed! :)
> 
> You can find me on Tumblr under the same name: [shotgunwithwings.tumblr.com](http://shotgunwithwings.tumblr.com).


End file.
